Happiness is a girl called Jill

cloudy_tears @ 2009-01-02T17:05:00

2009-01-03T00:05:30Z

HEY EVERYONE ON MY FRIENDS LIST!

I have a new journal after 234823984 years. Here's the link:

www.livejournal.com/users/scrworiginality

It'll end up being friends only and I think that I am only going to use this journal to try and do the Mission101_2009 schpiel which so far has 2+ pages of entries. So you should definitely add my other name if you're interested.

Thanks!
Jill

Cheers

2009-01-02T06:31:00Z

It is 23.5 hours into the New Year.

I can tell already that 2009 is going to be one Hell of a ride.

Day 3 Project Patience

2008-12-16T05:29:47Z

I believe that God is trying to spite me.

As soon as I say that I want to become more patient Nathan's phone starts freaking out. Albeit, after tomorrow I've just got to get through 2 days of chillaxin' and work before spending Friday at graduation with family + Larry and then I'll be in Phoenix again, but still!

Stupid Karma.

This patience thing sucks already. I know it'll be a great thing to learn to be patient and it will help me live a happier life and all that jazz, but fuck it sucks. I'm thinking about trying to take up TKD or something since Kickboxing is hella expensive and it's basically the same thing. Could be fun, gets out stress, I learn to kick ass, get into shape, can do it whenever I want - any down sides? Maybe a little bit of pain. Otherwise nah!

12.13.08

2008-12-14T22:36:23Z

Last night was an interesting one to say the least.

Zach and Nathan came down to Tucson on Friday night so we'd been hanging out all day.. which was like 12:30 on. Now, I love that the two of them joke with me and poke fun at me because they're comfortable enough to. But sometimes I just need them to stfu and stop being assholes. So the entire day I had to deal with them ganging up on me and by the time I got back from Chris's recital I was fed up as Hell. Nathan didn't even want to go and spent half the recital staring at the ceiling and I always feel like crap when people I bring to events aren't having fun.

I threw a temper tantrum when they wanted to play Gears of War instead of something that we could all play. I slammed my door and then walked out of the front door. The key was in my car door by the time Nathan ran up asking what was wrong. We had a talk about it and basically he said I needed to tell him when I was upset instead of blowing up and not explaining it. Even if I was bitchy about it that's better than just being upset about something and not saying anything. I told him that it was a hard time but that it was no excuse - I need to stop letting my emotions control me and clinging on to worries about the past.

Therefore, I've decided that for the next 30 days I'm going to try to keep my emotions under control. I can still feel them and will, but instead of getting upset at other people and just bottling it up until it explodes or talking shit about them but not to them, I'm going to try to communicate. Talking to Mike Trad later last night, I realized that I probably used my parents as an example for communication which is just... horrible. My mom tried to argue with my Dad but he just got upset so she stopped trying because that made her feel bad. My Dad bottled everything up and never talked to her. It's just a mess. Even though I hate saying things that might hurt people, if they really care about me they'll listen to what I say and not just completely cut off the relationship because they don't like the truth. I have this irrational fear that telling someone something true will push them away.

However, I'd rather be able to be honest with my friends. I want to be able to tell them things that I want to tell them or that might be good for them. I want to be able to cry on their shoulders when I have a bad day rather than just putting it on one of two people.

So thirty days of learning to communicate and controlling how I react to things. I'm hoping that I can do it but I wanted to ask for help with it because it will be ridiculously hard for me to break the pattern but it takes 21 days to form a habit so it's at least a push in the right direction.

Anyway, after I came back into the house we played Rock Band until it was time to go to the Blacklight post-reception party. We stopped by Circle K so Zach could grab cigarettes and ironically enough I didn't have my ID and they wouldn't give them to him without it so we had to leave. On the way out some little bitch kids said something to the effect of "Do you need to call your Mommy for them?" It made me laugh a little bit and want to punch them in the face a little bit.

We decided to walk to the party since it's not too far away. When we got there it wasn't very crowded so we all wandered around and talked. Amazingly enough, I didn't have to be with Nathan the whole time because people TALKED to him!! YAY! If you didn't know, I've had a lot of issues with him coming down here because everyone virtually ignored his existence. So when we could split up and hang out with other people, it was wonderful. I ended up meeting a few new people who were really interesting to talk to and may try to get piano lessons from Nehemiah if I can afford them. Which would be SO AWESOME! We stayed at the party for a few hours and Nathan got some guy's number to call so they could cruise when he came in town again.

One of the things I love so much about hanging out with a bunch of friends and Nathan is that at the end of the night, we end up together. Even if we spend the whole night talking to separate people and doing separate things, when we're done we come together and it feels so nice to have him with me.

When we had the conversation at my car I said that things were only going to get harder and that these problems weren't the half of it. He said yeah. I asked if he thought we would make it and he said that it depended on how willing we are to work for it. At the party right before we left, we were both in the kitchen and he took my face in his hands and smiled. "We're going to be just fine."

[Roomie] Zach, Jasmine, Nathan, Glynis, Zach and I walked home and had to drag Glynis along because she was trashed as all Hell. It was kind of funny except for when she started screaming things really loudly and standing in the middle of the road while cars were coming straight towards her. Oh drunk people. We all have our moments.

Back at the house Nathan and I played a few songs on Rock band and then went over to Treehouse to see what was going on. Everyone had smoked but apparently Kristen had mixed smoking and drinking in a bad way and was sitting on the porch crying and dry heaving. I've been in bad places before so I can somewhat sympathize, but she was out there for hours with Mike rubbing her back and trying to tell her it was okay. He really is a great guy. The fact that he stood out there patiently for as long as he did just making sure she was okay was wonderful.

At one point [Roomie] Zach and I were talking in the kitchen and I said, "Woah, for a second when you said that I thought you were talking in another language." So he said a few jibberish words. Then Nathan joined in and said jibberish back. After a few exchanges I joined in and we talked for ten minutes in jibberish amongst ourselves. Then Zach and Mari came in and we started talking jibberish to them but they had no clue wtf was going on since Mari was high and Zach was drunk/high and so they just stared at us. It was so ridiculously fun.

It was around 4:30 by the time we finished playing Rock Band and went to sleep.

It's the first time that I've felt this comfortable in Tucson for such a long time. It was a combination between talking to Chris Lopez again, meeting new people, having Nathan there, having my friends interacting with Nathan and Zach and just having a good time rather than worrying about who would drive home or when we would get there or yada yada yada.

It seems like I spent the bulk of the semester worrying about things that I couldn't change and holing myself into a bad place rather than just accepting those things and moving on. Sure, I had a 15-20 hour a week job that prevented me from socializing, I was taking 5 classes some of which demanded a lot of study time, my boyfriend lives 200 miles away, my best friend is in another country and I can't really talk to her, the Brotherhood that I joined added to my stress because I was bitter at everyone and felt judged constantly, some of my closest friends live in Phoenix and I haven't seen since the end of Summer, my house was constantly full of people and I was upset by the lack of privacy, money was in a horrible place, my brother disowned my dad who finally realized that his son wasn't going to be talking to him for a while and then my grandmother was/[is?] on her deathbed at the height of everything. But still. There were a ton of good things that I could have taken advantage of that I never did.

Hopefully next semester I'll learn to deal with everything better and learn to chill out and just enjoy the ride rather than freak out about where everything is going. Most of what I worry about isn't even that important. Everything will work out in the end, one way or another. But the more that I worry the more miserable I become and the more that I push away the people I care about.

I just have to breathe and be more patient. There's always room for me to be better but there's also time to enjoy what I have and just let the chips fall where they may.

So here's to 2008. Hell of a year!

You're probably the only one who will understand.

2008-12-12T01:45:20Z

When I was young I knew everything,
She a punk who rarely ever took advice.
Now I'm guilt stricken sobbing with my head on the floor,
Stop of baby's breath and a shoe-ful of rice, no.
Can't be held responsible,
Cause she was touching her face.
I won't be held responsible she fell in love in the first place.

For the life of me,
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me
I cannot believe
We would ever die for these sins -
We were merely freshman.

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt-stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept
He said

Can't be held responsible,
She was touching her face,
I won't be held responsible -
She fell in love in the first place.

For the life of me,
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me
I cannot believe
We would ever die for these sins -
We were merely freshman.

Tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip
We'd say it

Can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me,
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me
I cannot believe
We would ever die for these sins -
We were merely freshman.

cloudy_tears @ 2008-11-29T19:03:00

2008-11-30T02:03:59Z

I think it's about time to shed this dead skin.

I think it's time to find out who really loves me.

Mmm, stars.

2008-11-10T05:33:46Z

I've decided that real, juicy information about my day-to-day life is better saved for private blogs. I just like ranting or rambling in this one.

On that note, my two favorite places in the world are: outside the ledge of Nathan's bedroom and on my roof - both at nighttime. There's something about the stars that tranquilizes me. They make me feel so at peace with being someone and something so small in the universe with so much thought. Just the fact that I can sit and think and reason and look out and comprehend things, that I have a memory and a sight and feelings, all of that makes me feel so great and powerful. At the same time, looking out and seeing all of these wonderful and beautiful stars in a sky too big to even dream of... that makes me feel so small and makes me worry so much less about my life because in the grand scheme of things my life won't move mountains, it is simply what I make of it. Nature is so pacifying, it's wonderful.

I worry too much about everything. I should stop doing it so much, but with all great things comes a balance. It's wonderful that I can think but shitty that I worry. If I toned one down the other would follow. So it's all a trade off.

Balancing my life is hard as shit nowadays. Finding away to love all of the things that I love when each of them mixes like oil and water is tough. But I'm working at it anyway.

I'm sleepy. I think I shall sleep soon. In a weird way I kind of like Sunday nights, especially when I drive back to Tucson the next morning. The morning drive is soothing because the sun's up and there aren't many people around, it's nice to chill and listen to music for a few hours. Plus I get to spend another night with Nathan and that always makes my weekend a little bit nicer.

My world is so small. Time is so precious. How strange.

* * * * *

2008-10-31T06:21:59Z

I was lying down on my roof. I'm completely in love with stars, so I like to just lay down and look at them. It makes me feel like the world around me is infinite and open to me. It helps me to not be so suffocated by responsibility, obligation and expectation when I look at them. Jimmy Eat World was playing on my mp3 player. The weather was perfect.

And I thought, "Man, I am a lucky person."

Then I paused for a second and realized that I'm not lucky, I'm proud. Nothing that I have was something I didn't earn. The person I am is completely because of me. All of the choices I've made, all of the things I've done - they've led me to this point right now. I am as wonderful as I am because I chose to be. I chose to stand up and take a rein in my life. Instead of sitting down and thanking some higher power or some karmic fortune, I realized that I should be thanking myself.

Of course the people who have come into and out of my life were a big part of shaping me, but I was the one who chose to make those friendships possible. I make my life as wonderful and miserable as it is. And I am ridiculously proud of who I am and everything that I have.

The world that you live in isn't unchangable. It could be said that this is coming from someone who was able to rise up because her parents were wealthy enough to send her to College and all that jazz, but other people are set up with the same structure and don't make their lives good.

Sitting up there tonight, I realized that I have an amazing life ahead of me. I don't know where I will be years from now, but I do know that I know what love is and what it feels like. I've felt strong friendship, strong companionship and trust in people. I've felt epiphanies and intellectual breakthroughs. One way or another, I feel that I've lived my life every bit as well as I could have ever hoped for.

When I was a little kid I used to wonder what I would be like. I am everything I ever wanted, just in a different package.

Do I have regrets? Well, hell yeah I have regrets. But I try not to let them rule my life.

Damn, I love my life. I love this. This moment right now, this world that I have built around me, the people I hope to meet someday, the laughs I hope to have, the things I hope to learn, the people I want to help, the things I want to help create... There is so much out there for me, I cannot wait for all of it!

I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,
I'm only here in body, visiting.
Yellow faces in the distance screams,
"The beauty is in what isn't said,"
I'm rising to my feet,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find tonight,
Chase this light with me.

My gesso, my last call,
My life is yours, in your gifted hands.
Confetti rainfall and the quiet street.
These things I've found are special now,
The knot is in my reach,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find tonight,
Chase this light with me.

A movie, still-photograph,
Through a martyr's eyes I can see,
I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best reward is earned,
I've paid for every single word I've ever said.

Confetti rainfall and the quiet street.
The beauty is in what you make it,
So get up on your feet!

Because tonight, the world turned in me,
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find tonight,
Chase this light with me.
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find tonight,
Chase this light with me.

Top __ meaningful songs

2008-10-25T17:58:18Z

Top __ meaningful songs

1. Anthem of our dying day - Story of the year [I just remember one night in high school I was driving home with Mary after having been to Ian's house. We were both in a good mood and we started singing this song as loud as we could with the windows down. That was a great night.]
2. Earth angel - The Penguins
3. My Dick - Mickey Avalon
4. Nori, nori, nori - DDR
5. Drops of Jupiter - Train [In those months where I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, where I didn't have "the group" or a solid group of friends and I felt completely lost, I still felt this. I felt that I wanted to be better and freer.]
6. Tiny Dancer - Elton John [Reminds me of Big John and subsequently all of the times over at David H's. They had a dinner once for everyone in the house's girlfriends and they played that song and started singing it.]
7. Calling you - Blue October
8. Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry [This past Summer I hung out at Ben and Brian's almost every night with Nathan and his friends. We played beer pong, watched movies and laughed a lot. I really loved those times. Plus, it's a good long-distance song.]
9. Hate me - Blue October [I was obsessed with it for a while around the time I was hanging out with Dan and Joey at the park all of the time. Once Joey brought an mp3 player with this song on it cause he knew I liked it and all that jazz. Those days were great, but I know that going back isn't an option. They were what I needed and when they were over, they were over. I suppose it could be symbolic for that reason?]
10. Hands - Jewel [My roommate, Rachael, was going through some hard times around the end of last semester and someone posted this for her. So this song reminds me of her and all of last year. I miss her a lot, but the song is uplifting - reminds me that one way or another things will work out.]
11. 23 - Jimmy Eat World [Probably what got me hooked on to their music. Not only is it a brilliant song, but it reminds me a lot of Karl. It brings up memories of a few Summers ago when I would hang out with Dan, Stacy, Steve, Karl and co. and we would drink beer and they would work on cars and play video games. It also reminds me of the bittersweet impact he had on my life.]
12. Butterfly kisses - Bob Carlisle
13. River of dreams - Billy Joel [Reminds me of my childhood, I loved this song.]
14. Everything we had - Academy is.. [It's from the P.S. I love you Soundtrack. I saw the movie with Christina and bawled my eyes out. It reminds me of her and going to see movies and just hanging out with her.]
15. Thank you - Dido
16. Endless skies - VNV Nation
17. I don't love you - My Chemical Romance
18. Newsies [My first year of marching band we played a Newsies show. The connection everyone had to the music, show and each other was amazing. It was what originally made me fall in love with band and as a result got me to where I am today.]
19. You're in my heart - Rod Stewart [Another reminds me of my childhood song. I used to listen to this song -all- of the time.]
20. Real slim shady - Eminem [I don't exactly know why, but this song reminds me of my brother. I actually have no clue whatsoever why it does, but maybe it's because we still hung out a lot when the song came out. Weird.]
21. Float on - Modest Mouse

"Save tonight, fight the break of dawn,
Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone."

:)

2008-10-19T20:40:52Z

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

You all must choose your lie.

2008-09-25T23:39:28Z

The world is a very different place when you finally have something to lose.
When you start giving into your emotions and actually crying instead of bottling things up, you feel a lot more settled.
When you start seeing beauty in complete and utter breakdown, you become a lot more empathetic.
When you value all of the moments that you can be with the people you love, they seem much more frequent.
When your worries can be pushed to the side so that you can live life, you find a lot more to smile about.
When you drop your expectations to allow for humanly mistakes and backlashes, you understand people a lot better.
When you take a deep breath, you feel a lot more free.
When you study instead of jacking around on myspace you feel better when you finally do chill out.

And when you realize that nothing lasts forever, the time feels all that much more precious.

The things that I've loved,
Things that I've lost,
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped.
I won't lie no more, you can bet
I don't wanna know what I'll need to forget.

cloudy_tears @ 2008-09-16T16:09:00

2008-09-16T23:10:06Z

At this moment, I hate everyone. Every fucking one.

Rise up this morning, smiled with the rising sun

2008-09-16T07:21:15Z

Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.
Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is gonna be alright.

We kill everything.

2008-09-03T07:28:05Z

And I stand here, completely hopeless, spitting out blood and teeth and gasping for every breath. The walls are of my coffin, not my room. Around me I see nothing but blank despair, a feeling so wraught with nothingness that it seeps into every atom and crushes the possibility of life, love, hope, desire. I stand here at this gate wherein everything seems turned upside down in the blink of an unknowing eye.

In my grasp is knowledge, is foward movement, is power. Around me is everything that I want, everything that I need. I am in a place surrounded by family, music, books, philosophy and thousands of people who are all striving to be better. So what's missing? Why do I feel so empty? What is making me fail so miserably?

Me.

I gave up a long time ago. My middle finger was pointed at every person I could spot because it couldn't be me. There couldn't be anything wrong with me. I've tried so hard and life wants me to fail. Except... life is what you put into it. I gave up.

I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready to throw in the towel, to push away the last of the great things that I have.

All of this second-guessing is what's killing me. For the first time in a long time I went with my gut today. I said "Fuck you" to all of the other possibilities and let what I know guide me. I was right. I'm almost always right. I have a gifted intuition and logic and I've been wasting it on all of these fears and worries about NOTHING. Thinking and thinking and thinking until I'm exhausted and miserable to get nowhere. It will take time to wean myself off of this but I can and should.

How can I live by my own rules and master myself if I hold myself back waiting for everyone else's approval? How can I move forward if I lugg around all of these apprehensions all of the time? I'll never get anywhere.

What will be, will be. I can't worry about my father or my brother, I can't worry about my future with Nathan, I can't worry about where I'll be a year from now. Because it's NOT a year from now - it is HERE and NOW. I am HERE and NOW. I'm wasting time waiting, I'm wasting my life waiting on something that's right there.

I used to want to be busy to block out all of the bad things, but that's not what I want now. What I want now is to be busy to improve myself and to be stronger and better. I want to be busy with things I love because I've never gone on the path that I wanted and now I can. I can be who I want to be.

Don't wish me happiness - I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

My post secret.

2008-08-23T09:10:26Z

Every time that I pass under a tunnel and hold my breath, see a falling star, blow out birthday candles, see 11:11 on the clock - I only wish for one thing...

cloudy_tears @ 2008-08-20T22:38:00

2008-08-21T05:44:01Z

I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

Mood:

2008-06-30T07:36:26Z

I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemies eyes Listen as the crowd would sing: "Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!" One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can't explain Once you know there was never, never an honest word That was when I ruled the world (Ohhh) It was the wicked and wild wind Blew down the doors to let me in. Shattered windows and the sound of drums People could not believe what I'd become Revolutionaries wait For my head on a silver plate Just a puppet on a lonely string Oh who would ever want to be king? I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can not explain I know Saint Peter won't call my name Never an honest word And that was when I ruled the world (Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh) Hear Jerusalem bells are ringings Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can not explain I know Saint Peter will call my name Never an honest word But that was when I ruled the world Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh

The road gets cold there's no spring in the middle this year

2008-06-27T02:43:28Z

I woke up and wished that I was dead,
With an aching in my head,
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
Let the world spin madly on.

And everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watched the stars from my windowsill
The whole world is moving and
I am standing still

Woke up, wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here, the day is gone
And the world spins madly on.

Grey, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me
Over the phone
Red, eyes and fires and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I wanna make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no - nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, gotta have you.

People couldn't believe what I've become

2008-06-24T18:33:29Z

Music is the cure for the soul's ailments. I used to listen to it every morning before I went to school - even just for 10 minutes helped the day start out so much better.

I need to start doing that. I feel so much calmer when I listen to music. :)

Good, good heart

2008-06-17T03:27:57Z

Forgive: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for; to excuse for a fault or an offense, pardon; to renounce anger or resentment against

        Heartache: Emotional anguish, sorrow
        Fester: to undergo decay, rot; to be or become an increasing source of irritation or poisoning
        Hatred: intense animosity or hostility; a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action
        Humanity: the quality or state of being humane
          Humane: marked by compassion, sympathy or consideration for humans or animals

Mistake: an error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge or carelessness; a misconception or misunderstanding; to understand wrongly, misinterpret

Regret: to remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn; a feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes         could be different; a sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone

Death: the absence of life or state of being dead; when something ends

Abandonment: to withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance or responsibility; desert; a complete                 surrender of inhibition

I feel that these are definitions we all need to remember once in a while. Hatred is not permanent and it is not ultimate, it is still just intense dislike. Death does not only imply the body's lack of life and abandonment does not always have to be negative. Think about it.

You step a little closer each day

2008-06-07T04:29:36Z

Hmm, maybe I should clarify that I'm really okay. None of the posts that I've written the past few days are anything that I want to talk about, honestly. They're just deeply embedded into me and I figure that livejournal is technically here for REAL life and not for tons of bullshit, y'know? I may move to a different site but I'm comfortable in this one so I plan on staying here for a while and my entries are going to be intense sometimes cause... well, that's who I am.

Anyway, this is an amazing song and I think I've fallen a little bit in love with it. SO:

Cannonball
by Damien Rice

there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

Like the shadow that's by your side

2008-06-04T00:07:06Z

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind.
You can be sure I know my heart.
Cause I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears.

And though I'll make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

cloudy_tears @ 2008-05-14T18:53:00

2008-05-15T01:57:01Z

Gutted,

A lifeless fish
Dangling in this stale air
Intestines sprawled out beside -
Sterilized and cold,
Waiting for the juice to dry up
So they can rot.
Hollow,
A dead deer
Hooves splayed out in all directions
Eyes glazed over
Staring into nothing
Seeing into nothing
Hearing only empty space,
Breathless air suffocating
Even the deceased.
Silence sits cold in this space
Even music has no edge or emotion
All of it two dimensional.

Sick,
This emptiness drives me insane
Everything cold and colorless
Trapped in this white room
Screaming into a dulled air
Swallowing up my emotions
In this thick cage of dead space
Barring me in with defunct words
Oozing discontentment without emotion
Placid hatred seeping into my skin
Dripping down my face
Eating away at any sign of hope or life.

Nude

2008-05-14T18:54:39Z

Don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen

You paint yourself white
And fill up with noise
But THERE'LL BE SOMETHING MISSING

Now that you've found it, it's gone
Now that you feel it, YOU DON'T
You've gone off the rails

SO DON'T GET ANY BIG IDEAS
They're not gonna happen

YOU'LL GO TO HELL FOR WHAT YOUR DIRTY MIND IS THINKING

cloudy_tears @ 2008-04-21T16:56:00

2008-04-21T23:57:36Z

Sing it for me,
I can't erase the stupid things I say.
~~You're better than me~~,
I struggle just to find a better way.

[Chorus:]
So here we are, fighting and trying to hide the scars.
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye.
The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone.
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye.

You wouldn't like me.
Keep moving on until forever ends.
Don't try to fight me.
The beauty queen has lost her crown again.

[Chorus]

...goodbye.

So why are you so eager to betray?
Pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up.
So why are you the one that walks away?
Pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up.

O-oh.